Time

 Perception of time has become very strange since my chronic illness worsened in late 2004 and I started spending the vast majority of my time in my home.  I hadn’t been aware of how important seasonal activities, habits, and rituals were to one’s awareness of the passing of time.  Feeling the weather, rather than just observing it through a window, also gives an increased awareness of the seasons.

I feel a constant sense of disorientation when it comes to where we are on the calendar.  Days, weeks, and months have slipped away this year, melting into each other, with my hardly noticing when one ends and the next begins. That’s not how I want to live any more of my life. My intention now is to be more mindful of days, weeks, months, and seasons, and to be more diligent about recording memories here and in my handwritten journal. This will also give me a record to look back on in future.  Brain fog from M.E. can make it difficult to form and retain memories, and too many years are now just a total blur in my mind.  

Energy has been at such a low level this year, and writing feels like such a daunting task when my brain feels so tired. Everything feels that way, though, until I actually force myself to get at it. I’ve always been a “big picture” kind of thinker, so mentally breaking things down into smaller, manageable chunks is something I still struggle to do. My brain says that I need to make a big effort at every single thing, every single day, which isn’t possible with a chronic illness. I sabotage myself constantly, even with things that should be bringing me pleasure.

We’re now nearing the start of a brand new year, so it’s the perfect time to work on breaking old, unhelpful habits and embracing new ones that will greatly enhance quality of life. Perfectionism and a lifetime of high expectations are tough mindsets to lose, but I’ll get there.

Joy

 

Image by Mario Eppinger from Pixabay

Gaudete Sunday – The third Sunday of Advent. The term is derived from the Latin opening words of the introit antiphon, “Rejoice (Gaudete) in the Lord always.” The theme of the day expresses the joy of anticipation at the approach of the Christmas celebration.

I probably should have made the following statement earlier, but better late than never. I’m using the Advent themes for this year’s posts simply because hope, peace, joy and love are important to me at all times, but I’m especially aware of them at this time of year. This blog is meant to be all inclusive, however, and I believe that each of these themes can apply to everyone, regardless of their belief system. My background happens to be Christian, but I respect and make a point of learning about all faiths, as well as totally respecting those who do not believe in any kind of higher power.

Joy can be a complicated subject at this time of year. For many, the festive season is a truly happy time. Fun gatherings with friends and family, no financial worries to dampen the spirit, good health and lots of energy to fully participate in whatever special events they choose, etc. For others, it’s the most difficult time of the year. Loneliness, financial worries, poor health, grief, worries about loved ones, estrangement from family – these things and more can make joy very elusive during the holiday season.

I’m somewhere in the middle when it comes to festive joy, I suppose. I definitely find many sources of joy at this time of year, but can also relate to those feeling a sense of loss or missing out. I care less and less about being single, not having a social life, complicated birth family relationships, etc. as I get older, but the sad feeling is still there to some extent. There’s also the grief that comes from the limitations imposed by a chronic illness, but that, too, is becoming less of a joy stealer as the years pass.

Besides the company of my lovely daughter and her fiancé, the things that bring me festive joy are pretty simple:

– a favourite tea that’s only available during the Christmas season

– favourite seasonal movies and TV specials,

-Christmas music (both traditional and modern, but I tend to lean more towards traditional. It’s the comfort of associated happy memories, I think.)

-the sparkly Christmas tree and decorations

-neighbourhood lights that I can see from my windows

-reading about Christmas traditions around the world

– incorporating a Christmas theme into my hobbies

-indulging in a few favourite treats that I only have at this time of year, especially shortbread, gingerbread, and mincemeat tarts. Haven’t had a tart yet, but there’s still time!!

I hope that everyone who comes across this post can find at least a little joy this season. If you’re having a generally wonderful time, I’m absolutely, genuinely happy for you! If you’re struggling, please know that you’re not alone. My comments section is open if you need to vent, and please contact the community resources available in your part of the world if you need help getting through the holidays. Reaching out for help is not shameful or weak.

Peace

 

Image by Myriams-Fotos from Pixabay

Peace is probably the most important thing to me at this stage of my life. Far too many years were spent in chaos, fear, uncertainty, dread. Nobody should live like that and the effects can be catastrophic on one’s physical and mental health.

Life is very peaceful now and I am so grateful. Not perfect peace, as that’s impossible with the stressors of day to day life, but comparative peace. Achieving this feeling of peace hasn’t been easy. I’m an anxious people pleaser, perfectionist, and have been genuinely afraid of many people and situations in my life. But, little by little, I’ve learned to let go of people and situations that do not serve me well, to value myself, to recognize my own needs and feelings, and to realize that the world will not end if I am truly kind to myself.

The festive season can be an incredibly stressful time of year, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I love to make occasions special for my dearest ones and to spoil them in any way I can. The reality is, though, that much of what I used to do during the Christmas season wasn’t important to them. They appreciated my effort and the thought behind it, but the only one who really cared about whether or not it happened was me. Ah.

I still make an effort to make the holiday season special, but am much more respectful of my energy limits. “Good enough” has become my standard, rather than some bizarre level of unobtainable perfection. We have two trees and whether I put up the smaller or larger one depends on my energy level. I still feel a bit of guilt when I opt for the small one, as I have this year, but that passes. It’s four feet of sparkle and beauty and makes us happy, so more than “good enough”. The postal strike this season cancelled the sending of Christmas cards, so preparations have been even simpler than usual. I do miss the cards as it has always been an important part of Christmas for me, but I definitely wouldn’t say that the Season has been spoiled by their absence. Christmas treats don’t all have to be homemade. Christmas dinner can be simplified and still be really special. Gift giving doesn’t have to be a financial burden or taxing in any way, and on the list goes.

I wish you peace in all seasons, but especially during this festive time of year. Peace on Earth also remains my fervent wish, no matter how elusive that peace might seem in these troubled times. I still believe in the good in humanity, and that good will eventually triumph over evil, no matter how bleak things might seem at a given moment.

The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry

When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children’s lives might be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.  I come into the presence  of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free. From The Selected Poems of Wendell Berry (Counterpoint, 1999)

First Sunday of Advent

 

 Today is the first Sunday of  Advent and the official start of the festive season in our home.  It has been a longstanding tradition that I try to get the tree and decorations up on Advent Sunday and I actually achieved that goal a bit early this year.   In the past I’ve waited for the exact day, which can often be a mistake when energy levels are so unpredictable.  When the energy is there, the job has to be done because there might not be another opportunity.  I learned that lesson the hard way a few years ago when Christmas really didn’t happen for us.  I waited too long to start the preparations and wasn’t able to do any of the things that make the season special.  Christmas without a tree or a single decoration was truly sad.  

The first candle of Advent represents hope.  How fitting that is for anyone with ME or another chronic illness at this time of year.  Besides the kinds of hope that most people feel, we approach December with the hope that we will be well enough to feel some measure of enjoyment during this special season.  It will be a very difficult time of year for many and probably all of us will be reminded to some degree of what we have lost to illness,   I truly am fortunate, though.  The time between now and Christmas Day will be pretty quiet for me, but I know that I will be well enough this time to indulge in many things that bring me true happiness during the Season.  Even if I’m stuck in bed some of the time, the simple pleasures like Christmas music, movies and special TV programs, a few treats to nibble on, and Christmas tea to sip, will still be accessible.  When I’m able to be up, sitting on the sofa beside the sparkly, brightly lit Christmas tree makes my heart sing.  If I’m very, very, very lucky, I might be able to get out for a little tour of Christmas lights.  Fingers crossed!   

“Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.”
― Emily Dickinson

Seasons

 Seasons of the year, seasons of life, seasons of chronic illness, seasons of personal growth and change. I’ve been in the blogging world off and on since 2002, but it’s time for a complete change of style and focus. Welcome to my new space.